Five Things that Never Happened to Jonas
by firesoulslayer
Summary: Five different ways Jonas could have lived.


**Title**: Five Things That Never Happened to Jonas  
**Fandom**: The Giver  
**Genre**: AU  
**Rating**: PG-13 just to be safe  
**Pairings**: Jonas/Asher (one-sided), Jonas/Fiona  
**Warnings**: angst, suicide, boylove and sappiness lie ahead, not necessarily in that order. If you're not a fan of slash, **skip number four!  
Disclaimer**: The characters all belong to Lois Lowry. I'm just borrowing them without permission because the plot bunnies won't leave me alone. No infringement is intended.

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_One_

He wasn't sure he remembered what it meant to be warm anymore. Numbness had set deep into his bones. He was past the burning, stinging feeling that managed to give the illusion of warmth. Now there was only cold and pain. He wanted to be home.

Gabe was already dead. He was sure of that. The little boy had ceased crying, ceased shivering and Jonas could no longer feel the small rise and fall of his chest.

_Oh Gabe. Better an injection by needle than freezing out here, alone. At least it wouldn't have been painful. We never should have left. I want to be home._

Every breath he took was painful; the searing cold burning his lungs. Staring into the black sky above him Jonas wished again for the dream that had taken him. Hearth, home, warmth, love and laughter. It all sounded so wonderful. He had thought they were close.

Instead he had awoken, startled, when Gabe's tiny fist had pounded on his chest. He was wailing as loudly as his strength-sapped body would allow him. His weak flailing in Jonas' arms was mixed with hiccupping sobs as he poured all of his displeasure into one last tantrum.

He had gradually quieted and then fell silent. Jonas would have cried then, if he had had any tears left in him. Instead he lay on the frozen ground and waited to die. His only thought was an idle wish that it would happen soon. And then maybe, finally, he would find the home he was searching for.

------

_Two_

_Defying gravity_. That's what it felt like to Jonas. There was nothing that could touch him, nothing that could bring him down.

All he had ever wanted was to be part of the community. To feel that he was contributing something to the whole. He had been overwhelmed when his Assignment was announced. To be the Receiver of Memory was an honor he could barely conceive of.

Jonas hadn't known just how small the community was until he had met the Giver. Had never realized all the ways in which the people he lived with were...limited. Now all of that was about to change.

He had no doubts anymore. The Giver had given all of his memories to Jonas. He had died two days later. Jonas grieved for his friend in private. When next seen in public he seemed every inch the proper adult. With a short laugh he remembered his shock upon reading the fateful line of the instructions that followed his Assignment. "You may lie." He'd certainly gotten good at that.

He couldn't keep the smile off of his face today. He'd already overheard several people commenting about it when they thought he wasn't listening. They'd grown used to the solemn Jonas and anything that upset their delicate balance was something to be commented on. He hoped that would serve them well in the future.

He finally reached the place he had painstakingly searched out. He hadn't wanted anyone to stumble upon him before his task was completed. No one remarked about his unusual appearance at the agricultural warehouse. There were curious glances, but they were quickly squelched as each man and women went back to his or her task as they were dutifully trained to do.

It was quiet on the roof and he wasn't quite sure why that struck him, because it was always quiet in the community. Nothing at all like it was in his memories. He looked over his home and savored the various nuances he could make out, even amongst all of the sameness. Then he stepped to the edge of the roof. There were no barriers of course. Who would ever conceive of coming to the roof for something like this?

It felt like he was defying gravity. He laughed as he jumped. He wasn't just doing it for himself; he was doing it for them. A lyrical memory flitted through his head briefly and he smiled. "As someone told me lately ev'ryone deserves a chance to fly."

------

_Three_

Pilot. Jonas had been disgusted when the assignment was first given to him. It wasn't something he had felt himself suited for. The council of Elders was adamant at his request for an appeal. _Each selection is made with utmost care_, they had told him.

Jonas, of course, had no recourse afterwards. Instead, he had thrown himself into his work. There were manuals to memorize, instrumentation to become familiar with and tests to perform. For months it felt like he did nothing that did not fall into the categories of working, sleeping or eating.

And gradually, to his surprise, Jonas found himself enjoying his duties. He found pride in every manual he memorized, every instrument he could correctly identify, every test he passed. And finally, when it was time to go on his first trial flight he found that he could hardly contain his enthusiasm.

Gone was his earlier miasma. Now, he enjoyed the camaraderie with his fellow Pilots-in-Training. They all wished him well as he climbed in the cockpit and began pre-flight checks. There was no anxiety, no fear, nothing but the thrill of finally performing the task he had been training so hard for.

As the plane lifted off smoothly and Jonas found his hands automatically making the practiced moves that would set his course for the short journey to the fields and back he reflected on his own emotions. He was performing a vital service for his community, was officially recognized as a contributing adult with all the rights and responsibilities thereof. _Satisfied_, he finally concluded. _I feel very...satisfied_. After all, what more could he want?

------

_Four_

_Precision of language_. It's drilled into them at such a young age and Jonas has never had reason to question its importance before everything changed. These days, Jonas is questioning a lot of things.

One of the things Jonas questions vehemently is the use of a single word, _love_. He is the Receiver of Memories and lately he has spent his days receiving so many wonderful memories. The Giver has given him poetry, words and songs of such tenderness and devotion that it makes Jonas' young heart break into so many pieces at just the recollection.

Jonas' heart is breaking for another reason, too. Jonas has come to understand what it means to love and to be loved in return. He feels it in every breath he takes, filling his heart until it is almost overflowing. He wants to recite the poetry, the words, the songs. Jonas is in love.

He doesn't see Asher as often as he used to. They were inseparable, once. Now new duties occupy their attention and there is little time for the frivolity of the young. But they still manage to meet, as often as they can. And every time they do Jonas' heart beats a little faster and his palms start to sweat and his breathing begins to quicken.

Asher always jokes that Jonas has run too hard and too fast to their meeting place, by the large and neatly trimmed grove of trees near the river. Jonas has never been gladder that Asher cannot see color than when he is trying to hide the flush in his cheeks.

Once, Jonas tried explaining it. He tried to explain the feelings, the words stumbling over one another, his precise language abandoning him. Asher laughed and gently teased him about the stuttering declarations, glad for once to have the upper hand with his friend.

Jonas realized then that Asher would never understand. Asher would go on to become the Director of Recreation. In a few years he would apply for a Spouse and a suitable female would be chosen. Together they would apply for their children, first the boy (because Asher had always liked boys better) and then the little girl that they would appreciate and be proud of, but never love.

_Tennyson was wrong_, he tells the Giver later that night. Bitterness is the latest emotion with which he has developed an unhealthy obsession. He wishes now that he had never understood the concept of love. _It's so imprecise_, he complains. _It does not obey the Rules._

The Giver merely smiles sadly.

------

_Five_

Jonas is unsurprised when the results of his match are announced. He had applied for a Spouse almost three months ago, against the Giver's wishes. But the Giver is gone now and Jonas is too self-aware not to recognize the feelings of spite for what they are. So he accepts his match gracefully and prepares to start a new life.

_She would have been my wife_, he thinks to himself as they settle into their room for the first night. _Before the Sameness we would have fallen in love and gotten married and she would have been my wife. I would have been her husband_.

He watches her as she goes about her nightly rituals. The last thing she does is sit on her bed and run a small brush through her hair, working out the day's kinks. He watches it glide through the red, silky strands with fascination.

_Is something the matter, Jonas?_ she asks after she notices him watching her. He opens his mouth, tries to respond, and then realizes that there is nothing he can say that she will understand. He wonders if their partnership will always be silent.

He wishes she could understand. He wishes that she could feel even a tenth of the love that he feels for her. When she sleeps, he whispers her name longingly, _Fiona_. He has never felt further away from anyone in his entire life. Every night he walks over to her bed and places his hand on her back. Every night he tries to impart even one memory to her, something to give her even the smallest frame of reference.

Every night ends in failure and he feels himself drifting just a little further away. They live in the same house, they share nearly every meal and at each one they share their thoughts and feelings. But Jonas knows by now never to bother telling the truth because the truth is merely one more thing that she cannot understand.

And so Jonas adds his own memories of love and loss and pain that will someday be given to another young girl or boy who will have to grow up too quickly. And Jonas has the experience to know that he will try to keep the child from making the same mistakes. And Jonas knows that he will fail. Because, although it is painful, Jonas knows what hope is.


End file.
